Saturday, December 31, 2005

Attention, Spuds...

Happy New Year.

That is all.

Friday, December 30, 2005

I am Undead... Brains!!!

Hi folks...

Nope, I'm not dead, and Mike, you didn't break my blog. I've just had the week off from work, so I'm taking a little break and avoiding the computer and news as much as possible... sorry, I should have posted that earlier!

Anyway, I hope everyone had a great holiday, and Happy New Year to you all. I'll be back in a couple of days.

Remember, the best hangover cure is to drink three tall glasses of water and take 2 ibuprofen before going to bed. You'll wake up feeling much better, believe me.

Friday, December 23, 2005

Ugg...Ukk... Ya got me...

Michael tagged me with a meme thingy. *Shakes fist* Kaaaaahhhhhnnn! I mean, Michaaaaeeeeellll!

Well, here goes:

Seven Things to do Before I Die:

1. Go to Hawaii
2. Get my own talk show
3. Complete Graduate School
4. Find a job that I really love
5. Get my parody cabaret show up and running
6. Own a scooter
7. Watch Bush, Cheney, and all of their evil helpers get thrown in prison (Actually, I'd be happy if just this one came true)

Seven Things I Cannot Do:

1. Shut the hell up
2. Give up coffee
3. Sit through an episode of the O.C.
4. Find the slightest scrap of respect for Paris Hilton
5. Listen to Paris Hilton speak
6. Stop appreciating (OK, ogling) the fellas. (Stole that one from Michael)
7. Live in L.A.

Seven Things That Attract Me to... Blogging:

1. It's a good anger/frustration/stress release
2. Some people actually seem to enjoy my rants
3. It's a great way to meet some really cool people
4. Occasionally, I get noticed by someone I really respect
5. It feels like another way to "do something" when I'm feeling that "one man can't change anything" helplessness
6. I get to force my opinions on others
7. Seriously, I simply can't shut up

Seven Things I Say Most Often

1. "Quiet, you!"
2. "Ho-boy." (Must be said in a Fred Flintsone voice.)
3. "Right." (British-style, i.e.: "Are you ready to go? Right, let's get in the car." Yes, I know it's pretentious.)
4. "D'oh!"
5. "Go potty. Go potty. Come on, Rory, go potty. It's cold out here, come on, go potty. Good girl. Go potty. Come on, go POTTY." (To the dog)
6. "Oh, Jesus, shut up!!" (Usually yelled at the television)
7. "Fuck."

Seven Books that I Love

1. Geek Love
2. Step Right Up! I'm Going to Scare the Pants off America!
3. Crackpot: The Obsessions of John Waters
4. A Massive Swelling: Celebrity as a Grotesque Crippling Disease
5. Invasion of the Body Snatchers
6. Nightmare of Ecstasy
7. The Bush Dyslexicon

(And any short stories by Richard Matheson)

Seven Movies that I Watch Over and Over Again

1. Killer Klowns from Outer Space
2. Tim Burton's The Nightmare Before Christmas
3. Pee-Wee's Big Adventure
4. John Carpenter's The Thing
5. Beetlejuice
6. Forbidden Planet
7. Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie

Seven People I Want to Join in Too
Sorry Michael, but as I've said in the past: All memes die with me! I'm a spoilsport, I know. However, if any readers want to chime in, please put your two cents worth in comments!

Meanwhile, Back at the (Exploding) Ranch...

Rumsfeld Says U.S. to Cut Iraq Troop Levels

FALLUJAH, Iraq - Just days after Iraq's elections, Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld on Friday announced the first of what is likely to be a series of U.S. combat troop drawdowns in Iraq in 2006.

Rumsfeld, addressing U.S. troops at this former insurgent stronghold, said President Bush has authorized new cuts below the 138,000 level that has prevailed for most of this year.

Rumsfeld did not reveal the exact size of the cut, but the Pentagon said the reductions would be about 7,000 troops, about the size of two combat brigades. The Pentagon has not announced a timetable for troop reductions, but indications are that the force could be cut significantly by the end of 2006.

My, what interesting timing. Those in-the-crapper approval ratings are finally starting to make you bastards nervous, eh? Or is there another reason that you're suddenly getting your shit together?

That could include substantial reductions well before the November midterm congressional elections, in which Bush's war policies seem certain to be a major issue.

Ah.

Well, at least we can feel confident about this, right? After all, you guys are always insisting that everything's hunky-dory in Iraq, and now that the elections are done, it's a virtual paradise, right? Those purple fingers were the magic wands that made everything there all better, right? Right?

Iraquis March, Say Elections were Rigged

BAGHDAD, Iraq - Large demonstrations broke out across the country Friday to denounce parliamentary elections that protesters called rigged in favor of the main religious Shiite coalition.

In Baghdad, unknown assailants kidnapped a Sudanese diplomat and five other men as they left prayers at a mosque, a spokesman for Sudan's Foreign Ministry said. An Iraqi Foreign Ministry official said he had not heard of the abduction.

As many as 20,000 people demonstrated after noon prayers in southern Baghdad Friday, many carrying banners decrying last week's elections. Many Iraqis outside the religious Shiite coalition allege that the elections were unfair to smaller Sunni Arab and secular Shiite groups.

"We refuse the cheating and forgery in the elections," one banner read.

Sheik Mahmoud al-Sumaidaei of the Association of Muslim Scholars, a major Sunni clerical group, told followers during Friday prayers at Baghdad's Umm al-Qura mosque that they were "living a conspiracy built on lies and forgery."

"You have to be ready during these hard times and combat forgeries and lies for the sake of Islam," he said.

The U.S. military said two soldiers were killed when their vehicle struck a roadside bomb in Baghdad Friday. No other details were released. At least 2,163 members of the U.S. military have died since the beginning of the Iraq war in March 2003, according to an Associated Press count.

Well, Fuck.

Stock up on Dramamine

Because the frantic spinning on this baby is sure to make you sick as a dog. (Bolds mine)

Alito Argued to Overturn Roe in 1985 Memo

WASHINGTON - Supreme Court nominee Samuel Alito wrote in a June 1985 memo that the ruling that legalized abortion should be overturned, a position certain to spur tough questioning at January's confirmation hearings.

We can only hope. I'm crossing my fingers for very tough questioning, but I'm not holding my breath. Maybe we'll luck out and he'll never make it that far.

In a recommendation to the solicitor general on filing a friend-of-court brief, Alito said the government "should make clear that we disagree with Roe v. Wade and would welcome the opportunity to brief the issue of whether, and if so to what extent, that decision should be overruled."

The June 3, 1985 document was one of 45 released by the National Archives on Friday. A total of 744 pages were made public.

The memo contained the same Alito statements as one dated May 30, 1985, which the National Archives released in November — but with a forward note from Reagan administration Solicitor General Charles Fried acknowledging the volatility of the issue and saying that it had to be kept quiet.

Well, gee, why would they want to be so sneaky?

In paperwork released earlier from Alito's time in the Justice Department's solicitor general's office, he recommended a legal strategy of dismantling abortion rights piece by piece. And as part of an application for a job as deputy assistant attorney general, Alito said the Constitution does not guarantee abortion rights.

Uh-huh.

In the memo, Alito focused on a woman making an informed choice and states rights.

"While abortion involves essentially the same medical choice as other surgery, it involves in addition a moral choice, because the woman contemplating a first trimester abortion is given absolute and unreviewable authority over the future of the fetus," Alito wrote. "Should not then the woman be given relevant and objective information bearing on this choice? Roe took from the state lawmakers the authority to make this choice and gave it to the pregnant woman. Does it not follow that the woman contemplating abortion have at her disposal at least some of the same sort of information that we would want lawmakers to consider?"

Consistent with his previous writings, Alito said these arguments would be preferable to a "frontal assault on Roe v. Wade."

"Informed" choices. Uh-huh. "Objective information." Yeah. So who gets to write this "objective information" and "inform" women?

You know what? Whoever this person is, I bet he has one of these on his bumper:

(Yes, "he." You don't actually think they'd let a woman near this, do you?)

I love these "less government" Republicans that have no problem with government control over the bodies and choices of women.

In his memo, Alito said the government, in its argument, might be able to nudge the court and "to provide greater recognition of the states' interest in protecting the unborn throughout pregnancy, or to dispel in part the mystical faith in the attending physician that supports Roe and the subsequent cases."

Say. No. More.

Thursday, December 22, 2005

I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus

...and that was a gun in his pocket, and he was happy to see her!

The terrorist? Not so much. Hey, you! Quit trying to blow up the Baby Jesus!

Have a Merry Wingnut Christmas! Yes, it's real.

(Tip 'o the energy dome to Oliver.)

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Quote of the Day

"Basic human decency shouldn't have to be an act of rebellion."

From the brilliant Bob Harris.

Remember, Proles...

...No matter how bad it gets for us, no matter how many lies we are caught in, no matter what dirt you dig up on us, we will always, always find a way to fuck you over.

Cheney Breaks Senate Tie on Spending Cuts

WASHINGTON - The Republican-controlled Senate passed legislation to cut federal deficits by $39.7 billion on Wednesday by the narrowest of margins, 51-50, with Vice President Dick Cheney casting the deciding vote.

The measure, the product of a year's labors by the White House and the GOP in Congress, imposes the first restraints in nearly a decade in federal benefit programs such as Medicaid, Medicare and student loans.

Yes, Medicaid, Medicare and student loans. Those leeches. Those "special interests."

By themselves, the deficit cuts included in the five-year bill would amount to only 2.5 percent of projected shortfalls totaling $1.6 trillion over the same time frame. Republicans said the significance lies in more than mere numbers, adding that programs such as Medicare and Medicaid threaten to consume an unsustainable amount of federal revenue if their growth is not trimmed quickly.

Yes, benefit programs are the true danger to this country. Never mind that their little war is destroying us in more ways than one, and even they are forced to admit that the whole thing is one massive fuckup. It's not their spending that's the problem... it's Medicaid.

Here's the kicker:

Republicans signaled earlier in the week they would need the vice president to be present for the final vote on deficit cuts, and he flew back early from an overseas diplomatic mission.

"The vice president votes in the affirmative," he said, speaking only a few words as dictated by Senate custom. He wasn't the only one who made an unexpected trip back to Washington. Sen. Chris Dodd, D-Conn., flew back on Tuesday night. He has been recuperating at home from knee replacement surgery, and he made his way into the Senate with the aid of a walker.

Yes, Dick Cheney flew back early for no other reason than to fuck the poor, the middle class, the ill, seniors, and students.

What a class act.

It was the seventh time since Cheney became vice president that he used his powers to break a tie vote, according to records maintained by the Office of the Secretary of the Senate.

As Tbogg says, the picture says it all. He can barely contain his glee.

UPDATE: As Kathy says in comments, these budget cuts make up a total of 2.5% of the defecit. Thank heaven we have Dick Cheney to stop this runaway spending that is destroying us all.

MORE UPDATE: Apparently, Pelosi isn't taking this lying down.

It's Christmas every day in Heaven!

Caution: Eating tinsel may cause blindness.

Here's your latest slices of musical holiday goodness. Sorry I've been AWOL for a couple of days; I wasn't feeling very well. I realized today that I don't have much time to get all these tunes out to you, so you've got a bumper crop today.

Heat Miser- Year Without a Santa Claus: I'm mister Green Christmas! I'm mister Sun! The yang to your Snow Miser yin.

Jingle Bell Rock- K.D. Lang: Also from the Pee-Wee's Playhouse Christmas Special. Yeah, ok, K.D. is a little exuberant on this one... I've made the "snow" jokes, myself. But this is really the only version of this song that I absolutely love. You gotta love that hawaiian guitar. Hooray for the Puppet Band!

Snow- Claudine Longet: I just "found" this song this year... and words can't describe how much I love it. Seriously, if you don't download any other song that I've posted, make sure you get this one.

Mission Bell- Tiny Tim: Yes, that Tiny Tim. As I've said before, my love for Tiny Tim is good and pure, and I don't want to hear any jokes about it, buster. For those of you that are falsetto-phobic, Tiny sings in his "normal" baritone in this one. God bless Tiny Tim.

Christmas in Heaven- Monty Python: From Monty Python's The Meaning of Life. Featuring the late, great Graham Chapman. "But it's nice and warm, and everyone looks smart and wears a tie!"

Friday, December 16, 2005

Get Back To Work, You Goddamned Idiots

We have enough time-wasters "running" this country.

All right, we've all heard the "War on Christmas" insanity being thrown around. We've listened to the whining, self-pitying, completely deluded religious right shrieking that Christmas, faith, and yes, Christianity itself are all under attack. We've heard that lunatic Michael Savage scream about it. We've doubled over in laughter as we heard that pinhead Medved whinge about it. We've shaken our heads in amazement as we've seen John Gibson's ridiculous book about it. And of course, who could forget Big Bill O'Reilly, the reigning King of Christmas, hero to misfit toys everywhere, more or less creator of the whole stinking mess?

Look folks, your invented "War on Christmas" doesn't exist. For every story that you dig up to wave in our faces as proof- PROOF that the ACLU wants to force all of us to say "Happy Holidays" at gunpoint, someone toddles along and debunks it with a five minute google search or a few phone calls. Look, I can't say I blame you. It's great for rallying the easily deluded troops, and it certainly fills your coffers. So what if you're a hypocrite? Just yell it loud enough and sooner or later, it's almost true.

It's worth a few laughs and it's easy to dismiss.

Until some goddamn idiot in congress decides to get into the act.

Congresswoman Jo Ann Davis introduces sense of Congress supporting references to Christmas

Congresswoman Jo Ann Davis today introduced H. Res. 579, a resolution expressing the sense of Congress that the symbols and traditions of Christmas should be protected, and that references to Christmas should be supported. This measure, which is non-binding and does not carry the force of law, simply states Congressional support for traditional references to Christmas that are being eradicated from the public dialogue.

"There has been an ongoing effort by retailers and many media outlets to slowly eradicate references to Christmas and the symbols and traditions that come along with it from public dialogue," said Congresswoman Jo Ann Davis. "Common sense has been hijacked by political correctness, and the Christmas Season has become a vague, generic `holiday season' spanning from Thanksgiving to New Year's Day, representing nothing and celebrating anything. December 25th is the federally recognized day known as Christmas, but retail chains across the country have banned their employees from wishing people a Merry Christmas. As if it could not get more ridiculous, the Christmas tree has now become a holiday tree. This is political correctness run amok. No one should feel like they have done something wrong for wishing someone a Merry Christmas," added Davis.

Oh, no. Oh no no no no no.

NO.

Jo Ann Davis, you ignorant slut. You amazing bonehead. Have you noticed we're in the middle of a fucking useless, meaningless war that even Bush has finally had to admit was a complete mistake? Are you aware that there are over nearly 46 million Americans without health insurance, including 8.4 million children? Has it penetrated your thick skull that we face a global warming crisis that the U.S. has chosen to ignore? 37 million people in the United States are living below the poverty level, and this is the resolution that you come up with?

Stop this bullshit right now and get back to work. Say it with me: There is no War on Christmas. Political Correctness run amok? Don't make me laugh. This completely fabricated anti-Christmas movement lie is what has run amok. This is as stupid as congress debating steroid use in baseball. "As if it could not get more ridiculous" is right, only you haven't the foggiest idea that you're talking about yourself.

This is USELESS, this is a WASTE OF TIME, and any member of congress that gives this the slightest serious thought deserves the same amount of scorn and ridicule that you should be receiving. This should and hopefully will be laughed out of congress before the ink is dry. Non-binding and does not carry the force of law? Then why fucking bother? This is warm-fuzzy legislature, and it's fucking pointless.

You're worried you might feel bad because you say "Merry Christmas?" Tough fucking titty. Boo-hoo. There are other holidays (holy days, you dingbat) celebrated at this time of the year, and just because someone says "Happy Holidays" doesn't mean they're trying to stop you from celebrating Christmas. You get upset when retail stores use generic holiday statements? Tough shit. It's business, and if you don't like it, sit at home in your Grinch footie pajamas and shop online. Good luck finding an online store that doens't use the dreaded "Happy Holidays" line, though.

So put up your fucking tree, drink your fucking eggnogg, sing about Good King Wenceslas, open your fucking presents, wear your goddamn ass-ugly Christmas sweater, celebrate the Christ in Christmas to your heart's content, and do please SHUT THE FUCK UP.

Stop with this ridiculous puffery and get back to work. I'm sure you've got some real problems in Virginia that could stand some work and legislation.

Ass.

You've Been Kringled!

I gotcher fruitcake right here. Here are today's chestnuts roasted on an open fire... I'm trying a different fileshare site this time; I don't think there are any download limits and it should be easier. Just right-click on the top link (after the countdown), "save link as," you know the drill.

Snowfall- Esquivel: Zoo-zoo-zoo-zoo-WOW! If you want to capture, in music, the beauty of a snowfall... there's no one better than the King of Space Age Bachelor Pop, Esquivel. (Say, where is that biography movie they've been talking about for years?)

The Little Drummer Boy- Grace Jones: Another track from the Pee-Wee's Playhouse Christmas Special. This is probably the shortest version of this song ever recorded, but I love it anyway. Featuring the most inappropriate-for-a-sort of-children's-special-outfit ever! I couldn't find a photo, but trust me, it's a Lulu. "Sorry Grace, back in the box!"

I Wish You A Merry Christmas- Big Dee Irwin & Little Eva: From the John Waters Christmas Album. No one spreads holiday cheer like the Pope of Trash. Put this on, drink some heavily spiked eggnog, and do the bodie green in front of the fireplace while your family looks on in horror.

The Bell that Couldn't Jingle- Burt Bacharach: I just found this song last night. Le Sigh. I love my Burt. This could be the most Barachach-esque song, ever. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do. It's a wonder that Santa can get anything done year after year, with all these inanimate objects constantly bugging him for stuff.

Merry New Year!

Thursday, December 15, 2005

The End of an Era

I am SO bummed.

On December 31st, Trader Vic's Chicago is closing.

Okay, maybe not permanently, but it's closing.

The bad new is that Trader Vic's, a fixture in the Palmer House Hilton hotel since 1957, will close at the end of the year.

The good news is that it may not stay closed for long.

Trader Vic's canceled its management contract with the Palmer House, effective Jan. 1. But according to Trader Vic's President and CEO Hans Richter, the company is about to sign a deal with a Chicago developer to build and operate a new Trader Vic's.

For those of you that don't really know me personally, I'm a tiki freak, and Trader Vic's was my place. I've had so many birthday celebrations there... if I'm downtown, have a little time, and they're open, I'm in there. It's my standby "cool place to take visiting friends." It's one of the main reasons that I was really looking forward to moving downtown. There is, however, one ray of hope:

South Side resident John Gabrysiak finds a South Seas respite at Trader Vic's Restaurant and Boathouse Bar, 17 E. Monroe.

Gabrysiak, a marketing consultant, has been going to Trader Vic's in the basement of the Palmer House Hotel for 15 years. He had his 30th birthday party there. Guests included Cheap Trick guitarist Rick Neilsen. "He walked out of here feeling no pain," says Gabrysiak, 42, sipping on a Scorpion with a fresh red flower. "I keep coming back because of the atmosphere, the bartenders and the fact they make a truly great drink."

The sands of time have washed over this outpost on the Trader Vic's island chain -- the famed Chicago restaurant will close Dec. 31.

But Harry Caray's Restaurant Group is rescuing the islanders.

On Friday, group president Grant DePorter said Harry Caray's will own and operate Trader Vic's as part of a franchise agreement. The new Trader Vic's will be relocated within six months to a year. The Magnificent Mile and River North are likely locations.

I'm going to be living in River North. You'd think this would make me overjoyed, right?


Well, yes and no.

Granted, having Trader Vic's within staggering distance of my home will be very convenient (I'm sure the husband won't be too amused if they open in River North), but T.V. has been in the basement of the Palmer House hilton for fifty freakin' years. And there's something about going to the famous hotel that makes the trip more memorable and special. You're in the heart of the Loop, near the theatre district and surrounded by tall buildings; the L train roaring over your head. You get to the Palmer house, and you're greeted at the shimmering gold and glass doors by an enormous wooden Moai head. (Think Easter Island.) The Palmer House has a very cool lower level; it's all marble and brass with low ceilings, and a very warm comfortable lighting scheme. The signs for Trader Vic's point you to a winding stairway flanked by glass display cases filled with tikis, palm fronds, and Trader Vic's barware and bottles. You finally reach the enormous wooden double doors at the entrance, where you are escorted into the main bar/restaurant area. Then you are inside Trader Vic's; the South Seas in the heart of the city... the bartenders make a hell of a drink (Trader Vic invented the MaiTai. You haven't had a real one until you've had it there.), the decor is gorgeous and gloriously tacky, the barware is classic and perfect... and they make the best Crab Rangoon.

The Palmer House Hilton is part of the whole Trader Vic's experience. You're not just waltzing into some bar, you're experiencing a part of Chicago history. If you've never been in Chicago, there's a very good reason for the popularity of our Architecture Tours. The buildings are gorgeous, and just walking into one is an experience in and of itself. So having Trader Vic's above ground and in a new place... I don't know, it just won't be the same.

Did I mention Trader Vic's Chicago is where my grandfather used to bring his clients to wine, dine and impress them?

Okay, quit whining, I know. At least they're not closing permanently. I'm just praying that it doesn't become some hipster doofus hangout full of people that I want to strangle.



Looks like I have plans for New Year's Eve. Anyone care to join me?

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Brace yourself... you might want to sit down for this

Take a deep breath...

Michelle Malkin is stretching the truth to support her unhinged opinions.

I know, I know... you didn't see it coming.

She's squawking on and on that the majority of deaths due to hurricane Katrina were "not African-American." As is usually the case with Malkin, this isn't exactly the truth. (No link to Malkin... I refuse. There's one from this link if you really want to experience the slime.)

Newsmax is claiming and Michelle Malkin is making a big deal that the majority of deaths in Katrina were not African American. They base this upon preliminary identifications of victims at the St Gabriel Morgue. And that is a problem. Of a total of 883 at St. Gabriels, demographics for 562 was given. The race was determined for only 514. At this point 48% were African American, 41% Caucasion. However 321 more bodies have yet to be included and the the race of 48 bodies of the 562 was stated as unknown. To make any pronouncements based upon 58% of the victims at this point is just wrong.

In a previous post I wrote "After going through the list of the 338 identified victims I determined that 76% were 60 years of age or older."
But note I also said this...
"As the demographic breakdown below is only for about 1/3 of the dead it seems pre-mature to draw anything from the stats. It remains to be seen if any of this will stand after all bodies are recovered and processed."

I would certainly not have concluded the victims of Katrina were 76% elderly based on ~33% nor even 58%. And it is wrong to draw any definitive conclusions on racial demographics for only 58% of the victims. It is just statistically dishonest.

(Scout Prime has more at the link.)

Again, she blames the "Bush-bashing, tinfoil-wrapped demagoguery," (I'm amazed she didn't include "Unhinged moonbats") as is her usual technique, but this doesn't change the fact that she's playing fast and loose with statistics. As much as Malkin loves to call the left "Unhinged" and full of hate, she's been getting really blatant with her racism these days. I think it's very telling that she's expending so much energy to make the deaths of hundreds of African-Americans seem statistically insignificant and unimportant.

I think we all saw who had it the worst during that tragedy, Michelle.

And guess what? She's still a coward. Hey Michelle... when are you going to stop letting other people do your work for you and respond to your critics?

(Tip 'o the energy dome to Dependable Renegade.)

Haw, Haw! You're a Hypocrite!

Why does FOX hate Christmas?

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

I Continue My War On Christmas

...by spreading holiday cheer! I'm evil! Evil, I say!

Here are your next three songs... remember, just click on the "free" link to download. I just found out that my school gives every student some free web space; I'm planning on uploading the songs to my space in the future so you don't have to go through rapidshare. Can anyone recommend a good ftp client for Mac? (Or is there another way on a mac to upload files to a webspace that I'm not aware of?) These files should work in iTunes... I'm not sure about winamp or WMP, but they should open as far as I know.

Anyway, I hope you enjoy these.

Blue Joy- Mark Mothersbaugh: DEVO frontman, brilliant composer, Slack god, and all around cool guy Mothersbaugh put out an amazing Christmas album a few years ago. I have the special edition that's covered with red fuzzy flocked stuff. Velvety! It's a beautiful album; I highly recommend you get your hands on a copy if you can. Holiday hypnosis.

Winter Wonderland- The Del Rubio Triplets: Three Gals, Three Guitars, One Birthday. You may remember them from the Pee-Wee's Playhouse Christmas Special if you've seen it. Or you may have seen them live (If you have, I'm really jealous). Either way, no one does this song like the Del Rubios.

Snow Miser- "The Year Without a Santa Claus": "I'm mister White Christmas! I'm mister snow. I'm mister icicle! I'm mister ten below!" A holiday hero for fey little boys everywhere.

It's Pat

Androgynous You scored 60 masculinity and 70 femininity!

You scored high on both masculinity and femininity. You have a strong personality exhibiting characteristics of both traditional sex roles.

My test tracked 2 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 44% on masculinity You scored higher than 79% on femininity

Link: The Bem Sex Role Inventory Test written by weirdscience on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

Via The Green Knight, who is also in the androgynous category. How zen we are!

Monday, December 12, 2005

Snark is Impossible

...when you're reading stories like this one. (Bolds mine)

Family Upset Over Soldier's Body Arriving As Freight- Bodies Sent To Families On Commercial Airliners

Seriously. And you thought hand-stamping condolence letters to families was bad.

SAN DIEGO -- There's controversy over how the military is transporting the bodies of service members killed overseas, 10News reported.

A local family said fallen soldiers and Marines deserve better and that one would think our war heroes are being transported with dignity, care and respect. It said one would think upon arrival in their hometowns they are greeted with honor. But unfortunately, the family said that is just not the case.

Dead heroes are supposed to come home with their coffins draped with the American flag -- greeted by a color guard.

But in reality, many are arriving as freight on commercial airliners -- stuffed in the belly of a plane with suitcases and other cargo.

Holy hopping Jesus Christ.

I took two flights this weekend. I wonder if there were any bodies of soldiers in the cargo hold?

Jesus Christ.

The bodies of dead service members arrive at Dover Air Force Base.

From that point, they are sent to their families on commercial airliners.

Reporters from 10News called the Defense Department for an explanation. A representative said she did not know why this is happening.

They don't know.

Right.

Right.

This is how they support the troops?

Oh Jesus. This is just... there are no words.

(Energy Dome tip to Yellow Dog Blog, who has a few things to say.)

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

These'll SLEIGH Ya!

Well folks, I'm leaving first thing in the morning to head to New York City. I'm doing a performance of my sketch comedy show, and I have a holiday party with my friends. I don't know what access I'll have to a computer, so more than likely, blogging's going to be very light until Monday.

In the meantime, here's three more tracks for your Smart Patrol Xmas CD. I hope you enjoy the first two; what are the holidays without a little family drama? Oy, what a Christmas!

Feast of Lights- They Might Be Giants: You think people celebrating Christmas are the only ones being driven nuts by their family? Happy Hanukkah.

Give Her One for Christmas- The Mike Flowers Pops: What do you get for the woman who has everything? How about a divorce?

Must Be Santa- Brave Combo: Okay, enough drama. Now sing along... it's easy! Cap on head, suit that's red, special night, beard that's white... must be Santa! Must be Santa! Must be Santa, Santa Claus!

Oh, It's Christmas in Spudville, and We're Gonna Have a Lot of Fun...

I really haven't written anything on the whole "War on Christmas" ridiculousness, as I think it's incredibly stupid, and there are plenty of other bloggers that have done a much better job than I could ever hope to do. Also, there have been excellent articles written and television segments showing the entire "War" to be so much reindeershit. I will say this, however. I'm pretty pissed off that, thanks to Bill O'Reilly and his knuckleheaded, brain-dead followers, we're going to have to put up with this "War on Christmas" bullshit year after year after year until Falafelboy is taking a dirt nap, or the hysterical fundies find another way to make bucketsfull of cash hand over fist during the holidays.

Hey, if the collection plate isn't bringing in enough money, why not create a scandal?

Moneygrubbing bastards.

Another thing that frustrates me: I love Christmas and the Holidays. And I'm pissed that I find myself defending my enjoyment, simply because O'Reilly and the other lunatics have decided that it is impossible for Liberals to enjoy Christmas. Really, are people this stupid that they believe this lunacy?

Here is the one saving grace: I know that Bill O'Reilly has begun to believe the lie. His hysterics are getting more and more shrill; it's obvious that he's repeated "War on Christmas" so much to himself, that he's beginning to believe that it actually exists. And at this time of year, there is no escaping holiday advertising. Businesses, ignoring this "WoC" bullshit, and realizing the business-sense (and realizing that there are other holidays being celebrated during December) of saying "Happy Holidays," will continue to say it.

And every time O'Reilly hears that phrase... or "Holiday Season"... or just "Holiday," it will be like a knife in his gut. He'll be miserable and hysterical all month.

And in the meantime, I'll enjoy my hot cocoa.

Now... one thing I really enjoy during the season is Christmas music. But if you're like me, hearing the same damn songs over and over and over and OVER AND OVER AND OVER gets pretty tedious. So, I'd like to make a suggestion, and then I will present my Xmas gift to you.

First, definitely check out this CD:

It's an amazing collection of winter-themed music. With songs like "Looks like a cold, cold winter," "Little Jack Frost Get Lost," and "Violets for your Furs," it's the perfect CD to pop on when you want to get into the spirit, and you'll go on a five-state killing spree if you hear "Rudolph" one more goddamned time. There are a couple "common" songs on it (Winter Wonderland, Let it Snow X3, etc), but they're non-Christmas oriented (O'Reilly just sprouted a boil when I said that), and still very enjoyable. And it's got a groovy retro snowman on the cover. I love snowmen.

I could have done without the Manhattan Transfer, but you can't have everything.

Second, here is my Xmas gift to you! (I've gotten into the habit of calling it "Xmas," thanks to Futurama.) I'll be posting links to some unusual Christmas songs here on my blog. Download them all, burn them to CD, and you'll have An Adventures of the Smart Patrol Christmas! I may even be persuaded to make a nifty little cover for it. (And to piss off Big Bill, I'll be including some songs for my Jewish readers.)

Most of these songs are rare and/or out of print. Or in the case of the first one, never existed on album. (I had to burn it off the audio on the DVD for the Pee-Wee stuff.) I'm not sure how long things last on Rapidshare, so grab 'em now! Just scroll all the way down and click on the "free" link to download. (If anyone knows of a better way to post these so people can download them, please let me know!)

Opening Theme- The Pee-Wee's Playhouse Christmas Special: This is the greatest opening number of any Christmas show, ever. The singing and dancing "marines," the guest stars, Annette Funicello... how could you not love it? See if you can hear where Pee-Wee accidentally gets goosed by one of the "marines."

What Sweet Child 'O Mine is This?- The Wonderful World of Joey: I've only got a few songs collected by this fantastic man/group... and this has become one of my favorite Xmas songs. "What Child is This?" mixed with something familiar... and it swings.

From Party to Party- Pizzicato Five: If you don't love Pizzicato Five... the Fun Bus is here in five minutes. Be on it. Santa goes to Japan!

Well, there's the first three tracks. I hope you enjoy them. Merry Xmas.

Attention Conservatives: Bunch Up Your Panties

Michael Schiavo has started a PAC.

But now, as the one-year anniversary of Terri Schiavo's death approaches, Michael Schiavo is changing his approach and preparing to enter the political fray. Terri's fate has already been decided. Now her husband wants to claim her legacy. "For 15 years, I have been watching the politicians working their ways into my case. I felt I needed to do something when this was all said and done," Schiavo told Salon on Tuesday. "I didn't ask for this fight, but now I am ready."

This week Schiavo will roll out a new political action committee, called Terri PAC, with the hope of raising money to defeat the politicians who tried to intervene in the legal battle between Schiavo and Terri's parents, Bob and Mary Schindler. "Whatever I can do, I am going to do," says Schiavo, who works as a nurse in the Pinellas County Jail in Clearwater, Fla. Starting in January, he plans to change his work hours to three 12-hour shifts a week, allowing him more time to work on politics.

Cue the Radical Right accusing Schiavo of doing exactly what they did: Exploiting his wife for political gain.

Gee, I predicted that even without a crystal ball.

The "Drag Queening" of Christmas

Seriously, you need to go watch this clip right now. Olbermann barely keeps a straight face.

I've always said... the best way to deal with these ridiculous fundies and conservatives? Laugh at them.

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Buck, buck, buck... BAAWK!

Is that a chicken joke?

If you're not a reader of the excellent blog Orcinus, you've been missing out on some incredible writing. You've also missed an amazing series of posts in which David expertly dismantles the new Michelle Malkin pack of lies book, Unhinged: Exposing Liberals Gone Wild. In it, he exposes how Malkin's book is simply dishonest. (I know, you're shocked.) If you have the time, I highly suggest you head over and read it. Here's part one.

Last Friday, David commented:

Has anyone else noticed that it's been a full 10 days since I wrapped up my critique of Michelle Malkin's Unhinged -- and still nary a peep from her?

Indeed, the entirety of Malkin's response to my critique of her work over the years has been to pretend that I simply don't exist.

Isn't this someone who likes to brag before her audiences that she unflinchingly takes on her critics?

(More at link)

Several commenters opined that he simply wasn't "big enough" for Malkin to notice; "if he was on television," he'd get a response. David replies (in comments):

Michelle knows full well who I am and I know she reads this blog -- not regularly, but she is aware of what I've been posting. She also purchased a copy of "The Rise of Pseudo Fascism," no doubt to scour it for signs of "unhingedness."

She's counting on most of the reading public having the same reaction as you: "She's a stratospheric blogger, and he's a relative nobody: Why should she bother?" Well, the point of this post was that Malkin managed to devote a whole lot of heated words to a handful of even more obscure nobodies, but can't seem to find the time to respond to someone with at least a little more standing in the blogosphere who offers a more substantive critique.

-snip-

But I think I enjoy at least some standing as influential: Orcinus, you'll observe, is on the blogroll at most of the biggest left-wing names, including DKos, Eschaton, and Alterman. I've won a coupla Koufaxes. And so on. It shows up in "influence indexes" like the one at Blogstreet.

So for Malkin to simply ignore a sustained and serious critique from this blog kind of cuts against this whole "self-correcting nature of the blogosphere" business, don't you think?

Indeed. Malkin has spewed yet another waste of good paper and precious bookshelf space; a highly qualified writer has taken her to task for her dishonesty and written slight-of-hand, she obviously knows this (and David), and she's too much of a coward to engage him in real debate. She's more than happy to point to single sentences from comment threads on blogs as examples of how all liberals are "unhinged," but a six-part critique is somehow unworthy of her attention. One reader mentioned that he had sent a kindly-worded email to Malkin, requesting a response to David's critique of her book. He mentioned that if he did not receive a response, he would send her a "ruder version," to which David replied:

I'm not waiting for someone else to point it out in a vulgar fashion, because I really don't believe in that tactic. It's expiative and sure does feel good, but I just think it obscures your argument. I'm kind of a Spinozist on this: I think passions are the stuff of life, but reason is what I believe in.

(It also adds more fuel to the Malkin fire. Don't give her more material for her second book.- Paul the interrupting Spud)

What would be nice, of course, were if other bloggers were to start pointing out her avoidance of my critique too. (Nudge nudge hint hint.) I'm just not hamhanded enough to go asking.

Well Dave; I'm doing my part. I'm sure I've got a tiny fraction of your readership, but I'm more than willing to add fuel to the fire and call Malkin out on her bullshit.

And you never know who's going to google "Malkin" and "Bullshit" and find this post.

So come on, Michelle... let's see your response. And try and write more than a paragraph, please. And make sure you you do your own work, this time.

What's the matter? Chicken?

Buck, buck, buck, BUCK-KAWWWWK!

Monday, December 05, 2005

Attention Bush Voters: He Did Not Keep You Safe

Sure, I realize that you also voted for Bush because you can't stand homosexuals, but the big reason... I'd say, the main reason you were able to ignore what was right in front of your face was good old-fashioned fear. You fell for the terror alerts, you believed there was a turbaned person hiding around the corner, ready to blow you up at any second. You fell for the constant reapeating of "9-11, 9-11, 9-11," and you really, really thought that this lifetime failure of a man could keep you safe.

Well, you know what? He blew it again.

WASHINGTON - The former Sept. 11 commission is giving Congress and the White House poor marks on protecting the U.S. against an inevitable terror attack because of their failure to enact several strong security measures.

The 10-member panel, equally divided between Republicans and Democrats, prepared to release a report Monday assessing how well their recommendations have been followed. They say the government deserves "more F's than A's" in responding to their 41 suggested changes.

Of course, I'm sure "F's" are not unusual to our "beloved" president. But when you ran your presidential campaign on keeping Americans safe, you'd better be pulling in a "C" average, buster.

"People are not paying attention," chairman Thomas Kean, a former Republican governor of New Jersey, said Sunday. "God help us if we have another attack."

Read those words, Bushies. "Former Republican." Might be a good time to consider adopting that descriptor for yourself.

Some members of the commission, whose recommendations now are promoted through a privately funded group known as the 9/11 Public Discourse Project, contended the government has been remiss by failing to act more quickly.

Kean and Hamilton urged Congress to pass spending bills that would allow police and fire to communicate across radio spectrums and to reallocate money so that Washington and New York, which have more people and symbolic landmarks, could receive more for terrorism defense.

Both bills have stalled in Congress, in part over the level of spending and turf fights over which states should get the most dollars.

And your president, the man you voted into office to protect you, has done nothing to help the process.

The commission also concluded that the Sept. 11 attack would not be the nation's last, noting that al-Qaida had tried for at least 10 years to acquire weapons of mass destruction.

And your president, the man you voted into office to protect you, has ignored the al-Qaida threat, abandoned his promise to track down the man responsible for 9-11, and thrown all of our resources, money and military into a war based on lies and manipulations in order to further line the pockets of his cronies and himself.

For all of his tough talk on terrorism, Bush has done nothing but create more terrorists, and leave America more vulnerable to them.

Sweet dreams.



(Bolds mine. Disgust is mine also.)

Thursday, December 01, 2005

Schooooool's. Out. For. Evuh!

Well, that's it. I've completed my first semester of Graduate School (and I really hope all you people that told me "the first semester is the hardest" are right). Whooooopee.

Do I sound less than excited? Well, I'm a little worried about the final paper I handed in yesterday for my last class. It was "fine." Not fantastic, just fine. I don't know... I just felt like I could have done better. I won't bore you with the details; let's just say it was a challenging assignment because all the necessary details weren't there.

Usually, when I hand in a paper, I'm pretty sure if it's great, good, or if I'm just halfassing. The paper I handed in yesterday was just... there.

I may just be paranoid because I've got a good "A" going in that class and I don't want to fuck it up.

Anyhoo, yay me.

Today is World AIDS Day. For those of you that don't know, I work for a non-profit that educates health care providers on HIV/AIDS issues. So I'll be manning our booth in downtown Chicago today; I'll be leaving a little after lunch to set up. So you won't see much in the way of blogging today.

If you're in downtown Chicago and want to stop by the Chicago Cultural Center (77 East Randolph) and see all the stuff, please do. It's open to the public. And say hi; I'll be the guy in the blue Space Invaders sweater. (I forgot I was manning the booth today and forgot to dress a little more subtle. Oh well.)

Been tested recently? No? Pick up on it.

UPDATE: Today is also Bog Against Racism Day. I'll try and get something up a little later. If you've got a blog, there's your post for the day!

MORE UPDATE: For those of you that don't think the Patriot Act is a big deal, I invite you to look at this.